Ruby’s 2nd Birthday Celebration & Angel Day

I have a lot of catching up to do.

It has been a busy couple weeks and I need to document a lot of our happenings around here.

I’ll start with how we celebrated Ruby’s birthday.

Jared had a work convention in Vegas and wanted us to come with him so we could spend time together.

It was going to be over Ruby’s birthday, but we felt like it was important to be together on her day.

Vegas is also where we were living when Ruby was born so we planned some things to do at the hospital she was born at.

The day of her birthday we met up with Jared to go to lunch and take a trip to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital we weren’t able to go to the NICU because of a new visitor policy they have in place.

We were pretty bummed out because being on the NICU floor where she spent her life and also returned back to heaven is a sacred place.

Instead we hung out in the lobby waiting for the social worker to come collect the donations.

Luckily it was the social worker that we had worked really closely with.

She said all the nurses still talk about Ruby and wonder how we are doing.

Those nurse will have a forever place in my heart for taking care of Ruby.

After we dropped off the stuff we went outside, took some pictures and released red balloons to heaven, a tradition.

We made time to stop by Ruby Jane’s  for a sweet treat as well.

Jared had to work the rest of the day so Luke decided that Ruby would have wanted to go on a train ride for her birthday.

We hoped on the monorail and rode it up and back down the strip running into all sorts of interesting people.

{Side story: On one of the legs of our trip a young drunk girl {mind you it was 4pm in the afternoon) kept talking to us asking Luke all sorts of questions. She kept talking about her kids and slurring her speech all over the place. Finally, Luke leaned over to me and said, will you please ask her to stop talking to us?  Yikes! I couldn’t help but laugh.}

The rest of the day was spent hanging out with Luke and Hank.

To be honest this birthday was hard.

A lot harder than last year, but I’m okay with that.

Last year I think I was anticipating the emotions that would come with her birthday that when her birthday finally came, it wasn’t as hard as I had worked it up in my mind.

This year was EMOTIONAL.

I think it is what I needed.

I needed to feel those raw emotions again to connect with her.

I think I’m afraid the more time goes on I am going to forget details so it was okay for me to relive every detail of her life this year.

The giveaways definitely helped lighten the mood.

I am feeling VERY humbled by all the sweet and generous comments about me.

I think I’ve fooled most of you because I have a lot of work to do to live up to all the nice things people think I am.

If you think I am strong it is because I am receiving strength from you and from my Father in Heaven.

It is not my own.

I need to tell you though that for a couple days I was feeling a little sorry for myself while in Vegas.

I was thinking everyone was going to forget about Ruby and I wasn’t okay with that.

I felt alone.

That was until I started getting comments, texts, emails, notes and gifts reminding me that she is not forgotten.

{Some of the gifts I received}

Maybe it was more the sadness that I was feeling that made me feel alone.

Being away from home in a hotel room made things a little harder.

I wasn’t able to do everything I would have wanted to do for her.

Also taking care of sweet Hank all day was another reminder of all the milestones I missed in the two years she has been gone.

Seeing the relationship that Luke and Hank have already, knowing that a sister should be with them is hard.

Or maybe it is simply the missing part of my heart that made it a difficult day.

My visiting teachers came over this morning.

They are both quite a bit older than me, but I love visiting with them.

I was talking about Ruby and her birthday and they both mentioned that they each had a sibling pass away as a baby, however they were NEVER mentioned as they were growing up.

In fact neither one of them even knew of the sibling until later in adulthood.

I can’t fathom not talking about Ruby, not celebrating her and everything that she taught me.

Saturday was Ruby’s angel day, the day she passed away.

I wanted to take some time to just be at her grave for awhile.

I took Hank and we hung out near her headstone.

It was a beautiful day.

While driving over there I heard this song.

I know it isn’t talking about a loss of a child (nor did I know it had anything to do with twilight), but some of the words hit close to home.

That same day I was at a craft boutique where a girl had a booth set up. She was collecting donations to buy blankets and clothes to donate to a hospital.

As I got talking to her she told me she is doing this to help her with the loss of her daughter who was born sleeping in May.

My heart ached for her.

It does every time I hear of a loss.

And yet even though I have gone through it as well, I have no words for someone who has lost a child.

There are no words.

The past few weeks have been filled with a lot of tears.

It’s been “good” to mourn her loss again.

I was talking to a friend the other day who has also lost a child and she mentioned that she just wants to watch it all on a movie screen so she can feel him (her son) again.

I completely agree.

What I wouldn’t give to just hold her one more time.

I know I’m not alone, I’ve been shown more love and kindness then I could ever repay.

I know I have said this a thousand times and it just doesn’t seem enough, but thank you.

Thank you for letting me talk about her.

For letting me celebrate her life.

It makes me feel like I am doing something for her as her mother since I can’t take care of her right now.

Thank you for listening to me as I work out my emotions.

Thank you.