Reflecting

This past month or so I have been in reflection mode.

Do you ever get this way?

I get this way every so often.

Reflecting on who I am, who I once was, and who I would like to be.

Mainly I focus on who I want to be.

I reflect on the past, present, and future.

I think about how I am raising Luke and about what kind of wife I am to Jared.

I wonder what kind of friend I am.

I ponder on how I treat people.

I yearn to be kind, loving, and forgiving.

To be slow to anger.

I don’t want to let things bother me as easily as they do.

I want to be quick to laugh.

I want to be more light-hearted.

My ex-husband once told me while we were married that I am tightly wound.

He is probably right.

I am high-strung.

I know I am and yet I keep letting myself be this way.

I try so hard to change things about myself and yet it seems that I fail the more I try (and sometimes miserably).

One thing I try really hard at is to be patient with Luke.

When I fail at this, the guilt seeps in.

Especially when I loose my patience when he keeps saying, “mom, nook, mom, come here” only for him to show me that he is taking a bite out of his banana or that he is going to sit in his chair.

The saying:

"Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

or the one that says every thing else can wait, your children are only little once causes me some serious reflection.

While I think these are both true, I think there is also a balance to things.

I am still trying to find that balance.

While in Utah I was visiting my Grandma and she kept saying how patient I was being with Luke.

I am glad other people think I am because there are some days I wonder if I even possess patience at all.

This compliment, however,  is coming from someone who use to pin my mom’s pajamas to her crib sheets and hold her eyes closed at bedtime because she was tired of her getting out of her crib. (Love ya Grandma!)

Although I could see why maybe my grandma was short on patience too after my mom lined up poop pellets from her diaper along her crib rail and smashed them one by one.

Anyway, I am getting off track, back to reflecting.

While I was in Utah I started thinking about the path my life has been on.

If I am going to be honest, I never thought this is where my life would be at 31 years old.

I am not saying that I am not happy with where my life is at this point, it just took quite a few detours along the way.

Some that were extremely hard, and are still hard.

I spent a lot of time with family there, which left me thinking about my role and position in my family.

I left Utah contemplating where life would take me from here.

Where will we settle?

Where will we consider our home?

When we will be able to be permanent and not temporary?

The last couple of days I have felt restless and torn.

It is a weird feeling that I can’t put into words.

I love my life here in Vegas as far as activities and friends are concerned, but I don’t want to be here permanently and in a way I am sad about that.

Yes, I know that may not make sense.

I get that feeling and determination to just start making our dreams and goals come true, but then when it comes down to it our hands are tide in so many ways and it leaves me feeling like I am wasting time.

I miss Ruby more than I could ever describe.

Even though I know my life would be crazier, I honestly believe it would be the best thing for him.

It makes me so sad that he doesn’t even realize he has a sibling.

Most of all I want to feel content.

I want to love without restraints.

I want to be nice, SINCERELY nice.

To be generous and not selfish.

I try to take it one day at a time, but it always falls apart by about noon.

I will keep trying.

Anyway, I know this may not make sense, but I needed to write down the things that were clouding my head.

Even though I am not a fan of writing, it is a form of therapy for me.

That, and shopping.

Yesterday I bought a mustard yellow purse :)