Pointing to Luke, “Is he your only child?”, asks the grocery store cashier.
I pause for a moment.
“Yes, for now”, I say.
Turning and talking to Luke she says, “You need to tell your mommy you need a sister. Yes, you would love a sister.”
Walking away I think, Luke does have a sister and he does love her, but unfortunately he will only know her in this life as a memory.
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Luke’s dentist, “He is such a good boy, is he your only one?”
“No, I had a baby girl in October, she passed away a couple weeks after she was born.”
“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.”
“Thank you.”
Pure silence.
I finally break the silence by asking about flossing.
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This is my dilemma right now.
It should be such a simple question.
How many kids do you have?
But for me it isn’t a simple question.
I have 2 kids.
However, it is a lot more complicated of an answer than that.
It deserves more of an explanation in most circumstances.
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I was over at a friend’s house for lunch and a play date.
There were a couple of women there with children that I hadn’t met before.
As we were eating our lunch one of them asked me if Luke was my only child.
I replied with no, I had a baby girl in October who passed away.
I got the usual response of oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
Then crickets.
It is a complete conversation killer.
No one knows what to say after I just told them my baby died.
I wouldn’t know what to say either if I was in the same situation.
Everything seems so trivial after hearing something like that.
But I can’t let it go without mentioning her.
She is my daughter and I love her just as much as Luke.
I like talking about her and keeping her memory alive.
I want her to be just as much a part of our family as Luke is.
I like people to know about her and ask questions about her, but in the end it always put a damper on the atmosphere.
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So far, my thought has been that when that question is asked by someone that I will never see again(AKA: Walmart cashier) to just say yes, he is my only one for now.
Sometimes it takes too much energy (and pain) to bring it up.
Other times I have said, no I have a little girl too and I leave it at that.
If it is someone I will potentially see again, I make sure I mention her.
It usually makes for some awkward silence for awhile, but I am ok with that.
It’s worth it to have people know about her.
She is worth it.
what a thoughtful post, something I have never had to consider...but yes, you do have two kids and you are still her mom....any mom would be proud to mention her.
ReplyDeleteI think that when you mention her and her passing, I am sure it will bring a damper to the conversation, but those moms will hold their children a little closer and appreciate them that much more. She is such a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same situation. Luckily people who ask are most-likely total strangers, which makes it easier. My reply is "Yes, I have two boys." most people move on with other things and accept that answer. If someone asks a follow-up question like how old the other is, or where they are.. then I'll tell them my second son passed away in December.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree though, our lost babies are just as much part of our families and should always be acknowledged, even if it makes someone uncomfortable. I've been surprised how many people then just casually ask "what happened??" or "how did he die??" and it offends me. It's none of their business if they're strangers. I'll be thinking of ya..
I think this is a hard thing to answer. I did want to talk about what happened but most people did not address it with me. There were some friends who did ask questions and I knew they were ok with talking about things. In general, I don't think people are comfortable with talking about it. They might think you don't want to talk about it. It's so hard. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI agree, she is very much worth it. When I went to the wheel of fortune auditions I met a guy from Vegas and we got to talking. I asked how many kids he has. He kind if stumbled and said well really 2, but one just past away after only living for a week. I never really realized how awkward of a question that can be for people because it's not a simple number answer. I am glad he shared his story with me though as I am glad you are able to share Ruby's story with others. I am glad she has a mom like you that loves her so much and will continue to share her sweet spirit with others.
ReplyDeleteI would love to just sit and talk about her with you. If I had just met you and found out you had such an experience I wouldn't shut up asking you questions :D I am glad you talk about her, she is alive and well, she's just working with the Lord for a bit and you'll see her again very soon!
ReplyDeleteIts such a hard question! For me, while saying three can bring some really awkward pauses, it is so much better than the bitter taste that 'two' leaves in my mouth. I feel for you. All these simple questions that are now so much more complicated.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine that must be so hard. I think you are handling it just the right way. You are so right; she is worth talking about. If everyone could know how special she is. You are such a good example of strength.
ReplyDelete"How many kids" has always been a hard question for me...I think everyone has their own way of answering it. I always say 6 kids...because I do STILL have 6 children and I usually don't go into any more details until they press me for more...but I have friends that don't count their child that died and they feel completely comfortable with that. For me...I have to acknowledge his existence every chance I get...guilt has a way of getting me.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Ruby always!!
This has always been a hard question for me also. In most cases I say 4. I'm like ashley I feel like I need to talk about kael and acknowlegde his exsistence.it can make for awkward silences abd people fumbling trying to find the "right" things to say. Sound like your doing a great job doing the same with ruby. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteOh, this breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest brother died when I was in high school, and I remember my dad coming home from work a few months later and saying someone had asked how many kids he had and he'd said "four" and then felt horrible all day about it. I don't think he's ever said 4 again (and Shepard passed away over 11 years ago).
I think, even if it's awkward, it's worth mentioning her.
She is definitely worth it!! I am so glad you posted this. It makes me view things so differently. It is awkward for the person you are talking to and then awkward for you because of that. I can remember being in those situations with aquaintances that have lost a child and I honestly did not know what to say. I wasn't sure if they wanted to talk about it or just put it behind them. And then I worried if I was going to say the wrong thing or offend them and that is the last thing anybody means to do. I will always remember now not to be afraid of the subject and to get to know who that special little person was because that is how the parents remember them and what they want everyone to know and remember.
ReplyDeleteIt really is such a hard thing. I find myself going back and forth and doing different things all the time. Oh well I guess, I'm new to this...what am I supposed to do? haha
ReplyDelete