About those emotions… believing, obeying & enduring

I told Jared today that I am forgiving him for taking me away from the warm weather of Vegas and my close friends for the simple fact that I will be delivering this baby with doctors I know I trust in Utah.

Being back with the doctors that I had the first part of my pregnancy with Ruby has been a huge blessing.

I don’t feel like I am constantly explaining myself and reminding them of what happened.

Both of my doctors followed up with me after moving to Vegas so they know the complete story and are my advocates.

In Vegas I felt like I was constantly reminding my doctor of my situation and my concerns.

Now I don’t even have to ask certain things before my doctor brings them up herself.

Back in college I started dealing with stress anxiety.

The symptoms (tight chest,  feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air) were so physical that I didn’t believe it was stress anxiety for a long time.

Once they had ruled out asthma, allergies, pneumonia and everything else I made them test for, my doctor finally sat me down and said it was anxiety.

I couldn’t believe stress could cause such physical problems.

I had pushed my body to a level that it no longer had a buffer zone.

My body instantly goes into panic mode even for small things. It could be that I just had a busy day or a lot on my mind.

My body doesn’t recognize the difference anymore, even if it isn’t necessarily stressful.

Knowing what happens and recognizing it, I have been able to manage the anxiety myself through the years.

It comes and goes in spurts, but for the most part is manageable.

After Ruby passed away I braced myself for the anxiety to set in (tight chest, hard time breathing), but it didn’t.

I think it was the love, support, and kindness I felt that helped me cope without the panic.

When we began thinking about getting pregnant again I knew the anxiety was going to be a major factor that would come into play with this pregnancy.

I knew it would be there no matter if I got pregnant a month after Ruby’s passing or ten years after.

When I’m not in the midst of the anxiety it seems like it is so much easier to deal with.

I felt ready and prepared to know that the anxiety would come know matter what I tried to do.

And that it did.

It showed up pretty much the moment I found out I was pregnant.

But instead of going in spurts and giving me a little break from it every now and again, it settled in and made itself  nice and comfortable in my chest.

I started writing a post about my emotions and anxiety this pregnancy because I want to document it for my sake.

It goes into detail about specific anxiety events and situations that were hard to deal with.

However, I realized that there is still not closure to the story yet and I don’t feel like I can post it right now.

I hope that eventually I will be able to post about the full extent of my emotions throughout this pregnancy in hopes of helping someone out who may be experiencing the same thing.

The feelings, emotions and anxiety are still very real to me right now and they are not resolved.

In fact it won’t be resolved until I have a healthy baby placed in my arms.

Feelings of what would happen if something were wrong with this baby constantly loom over me.

My mind starts getting carried away with the “what if” possibilities and I find it hard to be rational during those moments.

I think the hardest part of it all is that it has turned into a vicious cycle.

I start to have anxiety thinking of all that could go wrong with this pregnancy and then I start to worry that all this stress and anxiety is harming the baby which causes me more stress and anxiety.

It never ends.

That is why I am so very grateful for my wonderful doctors here in Utah.

The support me, they understand me, and they are assuring me that they will do everything to help me through this.

It’s been a very emotional time and sometimes I feel crazy, but I will make it through.

There have been a lot of prayers, tears, and priesthood blessings throughout this process.

I have already had prayers answered this week as I have met with my doctors.

I am feeling the hope I need seeping back into my life this past week.

All of my concerns and anxiety doesn’t negate the fact that I am overjoyed and thrilled to be pregnant right now.

That I am blessed again to be welcoming another member into our family.

Babies are a miracle in and of themselves. I am so grateful to my part of this miraculous process.

I hung a quote on my bathroom mirror that I look at everyday during my pregnancy:

“Wonderful, glorious things are in store for you if you will only believe, obey, and endure” –President Thomas S. Monson

I am trying to do just that.