Struggle

I am emotionally and physically spent today.

It has been a really rough day.

It is a “curl up in my bed and cry” type of day.

And I did just that for a brief moment.

The hard thing about today is that my heart isn’t just breaking over the loss of my daughter, my heart is breaking for Luke as well.

Luke is mad at me, or at least that is how it feels.

I can understand why. I was with Luke everyday of his life for almost two years and for the last two weeks I have been absent.

Both physically and mentally.

He has had about 6 different moms these last couple of weeks and I know it hasn’t been easy on him.

Since I had a c-section, I am on strict orders not to lift or hold anything  for 6 weeks.

We both are struggling with this one. All I want to do is pick him up and hold him, but I can’t and it is breaking both of our hearts.

Jared and I decided that we needed some normalcy today, especially for Luke’s sake.

However, just getting out of the house was a struggle.

Kicking, screaming, fighting, yelling. Whatever Luke could do to show us he was mad he did.

We tried to take him to a children’s museum, but after about ten full-blown tantrums before we even got there we turned around and came home.

Luke and I have spent most of the days in tears.

I wanted to continue to feel peace and comfort today. I wanted to spend lots of time with my sweet baby boy. To smile and laugh and remember that I am a still a mother.

Instead I spent the day crying, frustrated, and putting Luke in time-out.

All I want to do is hold my sweet baby girl and have a happy, fun-loving Luke by my side.

Instead, I have empty arms.

It will get better. I know it will. It was just a hard day.

We just need to keep loving and being there for Luke, instead of losing our patience with him.

Tonight we tried one more time to take Luke to go do something fun.

We went to our ward Halloween party.

When we first got there Jared and I instantly wanted to go home. We realized maybe we weren’t quite ready for a friendly get together, but we stayed for Luke.

Luke ended up having a great time and it gave me hope that tomorrow will be better.

Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but life still goes on.

I am still Luke’s mother and he needs to know that I am always going to be here.

Good days and bad days.

My hope is that tomorrow we can both be better.