On My Mind

I’ve had a lot swirling around in my head lately.

I think it might have to do with all the reading I’ve been doing.

The books, the articles, the blogs, have all got me thinking too much.

I have felt like I just need to write out all my thoughts as a way to clear my mind.

Parenting is hard.

Like, really hard if you don’t already know.

I’m constantly torn between what is best for my child.

There is so much conflicting, yet good information out there.

I’m trying to find balance in all of this but sometimes I’m still confused.

“The housework and the projects will be there tomorrow, make sure to play and spend as much time with your children as possible”

“You don’t need to entertain your child”

“Cherish each moment because they will be gone so soon”

“Stop trying to create a magical childhood, your children can do that on their own”

“Listen to everything your child needs to tell you, no matter how big or small. If you don’t listen now, they won’t want to tell you stuff when they are older”

“Let your child be free and independent”

“Don’t let your child watch  TV”

“Let your child be a kid, and watch Disney movies all day long”

“Give your kids responsibility and teach them to work”

“Let your children have fun and be little for as long as they can”

“Don’t even think about touching your cell phone when your child is around, you need to focus on them”

“Make sure you have a life, friends, and hobbies. Motherhood should not be your whole life”

And the list goes on.

Like I said I’m trying to find balance, but that can be hard when the mom guilt creeps in.

Luke’s always been pretty dependent on me.

Wants me to entertain him all the time.

Wants to tell me every little detail of everything he is doing.

Wants me to do things for him that he can do himself.

While I don’t mind some of this, it can also be rather exhausting.

I want to teach him to be independent and confident, not needing outside praise, all the while teaching him to have a close, strong relationship with me.

How do I teach my child that he doesn’t need to tell me everything (I just took my socks off, I just put this Lego here…) but then when he is sixteen years old he needs to tell me EVERYTHING?

Sigh.

I think the thing I’m struggling the most with right now is that I know Luke would benefit so much from have a sibling close in age to him right now.

We tried to give him that.

Ruby would be 2&1/2 years old and an awesome playmate.

Even though I love spending time with Luke I don’t think I am the best substitute for a sibling who would laugh, play and be a kid with him.

Anyway, I can’t bring Ruby back even though I would do anything  to make it happen.

If it isn’t one thing to worry about it would be another.

This past weekend our church had General Conference.

It is always an uplifting time.

While it was definitely uplifting it also got be thinking about parenting.

Not parenting right now, but in the future.

Oh I am scared.

There are SO SO SO many things I want to shelter my babies from.

How am I ever going to protect them from all the evils in this world?

I’m not.

And that’s what scares me the most.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself and I really just need to take one day at a time, but it is also good to have a game plan ahead of time.

So for those that have a plan, please share it with me so I know I will survive the teenage years.

I think I will just go back to worrying about Luke being attached at my hip.

Switching gears, I’ve been reading a blog lately that has also been on my mind.

It is about a girl whose husband was shot and killed by a woman’s husband with whom he was having an affair with.

Leaving behind her and 5 kids, the youngest being 6 weeks old.

Her blogs tells about the aftermath of his decisions and what has taken place before and after his death, but how she chooses to stand and move forward.

Her faith and courage is unbelievable, however it has left my heart hurting for her and her family.

Reading through all her posts has left me brokenhearted.

They have hit very close to home.

I, too, have felt betrayal, dishonesty, and hurt like this.

Not to this extend, (no murder involved, thank goodness) but some of the emotions she felt has resurfaced in me.

My first marriage often feels like a dream or a former life I had, not one that I think about very often.

I’m so blessed with a beautiful life right now that it is hard to be bitter about what brought me to this point.

While reading this blog though I’m once again amazed at the selfishness that can occur and yet humbled by the tender mercies of the Lord.

The Lord will take care of us, he knows our heart.

Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people.

It doesn’t mean God doesn’t exist or that he doesn’t care about us.

Sometimes we are affected by other’s people free agency and choices.

It stinks.

But the Lord can help us.

He will lift us up and we can overcome anything as long as we turn to him for help.

Whether we need help with parenting, a divorce, or a loss of a child, He is there.

I’ve mentioned this before but I handled my divorce and the loss of Ruby very differently.

Even though I was experiencing most of the same emotions I reacted differently.

Thank goodness I finally turned my heart away from anger after my divorce.

It took awhile, but I was able to forgive.

Anything we are going through (big or small) can be hard.

Don’t discount your feelings even if you think what you are going through isn’t big enough to need help.

I’m trying to ask the Lord for help with parenting.

It seems like I could figure it out on my own.

If I read these articles or books I will know what to do.

It isn’t working that way this time, it is only confusing me more.

Instead I am choosing to ask for help with my {small} parenting dilemmas.

And I know He can help.

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If you actually got through this post you might want some spiritual enlightenment as well.

Here is a great talk that was given in General Conference this past weekend.