Plans

I am a planner.

I think you all know this already, but I like things planned out.

It helps me feel less crazy and more organized in my mind.

In fact, every Sunday night or Monday morning I PLAN out my week of everything that needs to be accomplished each day.

I have numerous lists, lists of lists. I even write things down just to cross them off.

I am sure a lot of women like PLANS because we like to be organized and in control.

When Jared and I first talked about how many children we wanted we both thought 4 was a good round number.

Then we had Luke, and we were thrown to the wolves trying to figure out this parenting biz and I remember thinking I am not so sure I can do this 3 more times.

I am not so good at the newborn phase. I feel like my head is going to pop off trying to remember how many times they need to feed, poop and sleep. Not to mention the sleep deprivation myself. Trying to plan out a day with a newborn and their not so scheduled life is complicated.

I also realized that I don’t have as much energy as my 20 year old self once did. I didn’t PLAN to wait so long to have children, that’s just how it worked out, but I can see now why women have babies so young.

I knew I wanted more children, I just didn’t know if 4 was the right number for us. 4 seemed overwhelming in my mind, but 3 seemed doable. (I don’t know how my mother-in-law raised 7 wonderful children, she is a saint)

The more Jared and I talked about it and I pondered on things, 3 just felt right in my mind. I was at peace with our PLAN.

When we started discussing having another child, our PLAN was to have Luke and our second close in age.

We were extremely lucky to get pregnant with Ruby right away. They would be 23 months apart. Kinda crazy, yes, but I was ready to move through our child bearing years  and move on to the child rearing years. (remember the newborn phase, although I hear the teenage phase is worse?)

Of course our PLAN didn’t go the way we wanted it to and our dear sweet Ruby passed away.

So now what?

This is always the biggest question on my mind.

The PLAN of having Luke close in age with one of his siblings isn’t a possibility anymore. He will grow up with only the memories we share with him about Ruby.

I question all the time what 3 children means to me now.

3 children total or 3 children here on earth with me and 1 in heaven?

I know our PLANS never usually go accordingly because God always has a plan for us and it usually differs.

We are always taken care of by Him.

I guess just for my mind to take a break from the constant wondering it would be nice to know where to go from here.

What to expect with our family situation down the road.

I always tell Jared that I wish we were able to see what our lives will be like just one year from now, that’s all.

I want to know how things will turn out and where we will be in life, just let me see one year ahead.

I know as time moves on things will fall into place and I will eventually know what HIS PLAN is for my family.

For now I will focus on my wonderful and fun-loving Luke and my precious baby girl, Ruby.

Which by the way is her 8 month birthday today. Happy birthday Rubes!