A letter to Ruby

To my beautiful angel Ruby,

Happy 6 month birthday to my perfect daughter. I miss you more than words can express. I can’t believe it has been 6 months since you were born. It seems like yesterday Luke and I were sitting in the monitoring room looking at you on the screen. You moved and kicked me all the time. You would wake me up all night moving and kicking. If someone wanted to feel you move all I had to do was put their hand on my stomach and within 2 minutes you were kicking them. They told me it a good sign that you were moving all the time. They would say, healthy babies move, sick babies don’t. Maybe they were just trying to give me hope.  That’s why I was so surprised when you were born and they told me you had hypotonia (low muscle tone). You barely moved. It seemed so strange to me, but instead of questioning things I will just treasure those kicks when I was pregnant. After you were born I had phantom kicks for quite awhile. I would have to remind myself I wasn’t pregnant anymore and they are not real kicks.

Everyday I wonder what we would be doing if you were with us. I am sure I would be a crazy mom of 2, but I wouldn’t have traded it. Just yesterday I gave Luke some applesauce and he wanted me to feed it to him. It made me think of feeding a little baby right now. You are just at the age where we would be starting solids and trying new foods. It makes me wonder how different Luke would be if you were here. I am sure he would seem much more grownup than he does to me right now. He desperately needs a sibling in his life. I think it would help him so much. When we first discussed getting pregnant again after Luke I was a little overwhelmed by the thought, but just thinking about how much Luke would love a sibling made me feel at peace with the decision. It seems like as soon as I admitted to myself I was ready for another baby I was instantly pregnant with you. What a miracle you were right from the start.

The night before I delivered you was a rough night. I didn’t sleep a wink. I don’t think Luke did either. He had a really rough time going to sleep. I thought it was because he sensed his world was about to change with another sibling coming, but maybe he was more worried about you. Maybe he knew something we didn’t at that time. When we woke got up at 4am to get ready to leave for the hospital, Luke start crying again. All he wanted me to do was rock him. I was overcome by emotion not knowing how I was going to take care of two babies. I would give anything to be taking care of two babies right now.

When I found out I was first pregnant with you I was 99% positive you were a boy (I have no motherly intuition). I felt so great, just like my pregnancy with Luke. I thought if you were a girl I would feel different. My pregnancy paralleled Luke’s. I guess I thought you were a boy because that is what I had pictured in my head as a sibling for Luke. I also thought boy because I didn’t want to get my hopes up of having a girl. When we went in for the ultrasound and they told us it was definitely a girl, I was beyond excited. Ecstatic. Yes!! I had my boy and now I had my girl.

I chose purple, green & brown instead of pink for your nursery colors because I knew you weren’t the typical girl. I ooohed and ahhhed over all the girl clothes, headbands, and shoes. Even today at Target I had to look at the cute baby girl summer sandals. I had to refrain from buying them, I knew they would have looked so adorable on you. I did get to put on one outfit for you when we took our family pictures. I showed up to dress you and the nurse had put you in the ugliest jumper. I just couldn’t have you wearing that for pictures, so even though it was stressful getting you undressed and then dressed again with all your tubes, I had to have you looking your best. Luke was a little stinker that day. Two year olds and the NICU do not mix! However, we were able to take a couple pictures before he woke up every baby in there. He was also a stinker at your funeral and all I could think of is you laughing at your older brother as I tried to keep him entertained with nothing but a couple of marshmallow snacks. I think that is how it would be if you were still here, Luke would be the rambunctious child and you would be my sweet angel laughing at me while I try to wrangle in your brother.

 

I often lay awake at night replaying everything in my head. Your pregnancy, your birth, your life, your death, the funeral, and what our life is now. I keep myself awake thinking about how I am living my life. Am I living my life right so that I will see you again? I sure hope so because knowing I will see you again is what keeps me going. I am trying to talk about you all the time to Luke. I don’t want him to forget you. He tells me all the time you are with Jesus. He probably understands more than I think he does. There have been so many things  that have been reminders of you. I like to think you are sending them to me.There is not a day that goes by that there isn’t something that reminds me of you. You are letting me know you are close by. In General Conference last week Elder Scott quoted Joseph F. Smith in his talk and it made me think of you. It reads:

“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.”

I hope this is true. I hope I am making you proud. I also pray everyday that you know how much I love you. I miss you every moment of everyday. My arms ache for you. I want to see you again. To see how much you would look like your brother. I am hoping someday we will be back in Utah so I can visit your grave more often. I want to make sure it is always looking its best. It wears on me when I can’t be there as often as I would like. Hopefully soon.  Until we meet again, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Always &  forever,

Your Mommy

We celebrated Ruby’s birthday by eating red velvet cake and letting balloons fly up to heaven.

On each of the balloons we wrote a message to her.

A VERY big thanks to my dear friend, BreighAn, who thought of us on this special day and provided us with the cake and balloons.

{Also, just ignore that Luke has no pants on in all the pictures and video, it was almost time for bed.}