Trusting through Prayer

As I sent out messages to gather mailing addresses throughout the holidays Facebook  pulled up old conversations I had had with many friends during the time of Ruby’s birth and passing.

It was a nice time to read through all the kind things people had said at that time.

I will never forget all that was done for us during Ruby’s passing.

The love and support is something that I still hold on to.

However, I’m sad to say that I have forgotten some of the personal one on one private conversations that took place between friends and family.

It was once again humbling to read through those words of comfort and peace.

I came across something that I had actually written and thought I should post it on here.

I read it on a day that I needed to hear it.

You see, the last couple of years, me and prayer have had our struggles.

I have always turned to prayer for everything all throughout my life.

I get such a comfort knowing that when situations are out of our hands we can turn to the Lord and leave it in His hands.

After I had Luke I turned to prayer for everything with raising a child. I knew I couldn’t do it alone.

{Luke and I, January 2009}

There were some prayers I offered that needed to be answered right away (help this child sleep, help me know what to do…)  and when I felt like they weren’t answered it left me questioning.

I started searching, studying, and praying more to understand why sometimes we’re not answered.

I’m not sure I have come to a complete answer on this and even though I still struggle every now and again I still turn to Him.

So when I came across this message of prayer that I wrote, it was a good reminder of my testimony of prayer.

A friend had asked me if I would share with her how prayer affected my experience with Ruby.

Here is what I wrote:

When we first found out that Ruby could have problems I was 28 weeks along in my pregnancy. At 32 weeks things were looking worse. My husband had just moved to Las Vegas and I was still in Utah finishing the last of the moving details. Since we were so far away from each other and with so many unknowns all we could do is turn to the Lord in prayer. We prayed for our baby, we prayed we could find good doctors in Vegas, we prayed all would go well with the move, delivery and insurance…and so on. We were constantly on our knees. I remember getting an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be alright. However, I also knew that being alright didn’t mean it was going to be alright in the way I wanted it to. I put my trust in Him and continued to pray and have hope that my baby girl would be ok.

{Pregnant with Ruby, September 2011, 33 weeks along}

After I delivered Ruby, they took her in for an MRI. News went from bad to worse when we got the news that our baby had severe brain abnormalities and her chance of survival was very slim. Everything was not alright by my standards, but the Lord continued to support me as I continued to pray.

I received confirmation that Ruby’s earthly mission had been fulfilled. What a hard thing that was as her mother to realize. I prayed harder than I ever had to have peace and comfort. I needed to know that I would be able to let her go and still be ok. I started receiving phone calls, texts, and emails from people letting me know they were praying for us also. It was the first time I could physically feel the prayers of others. They were helping me get out of bed every day.

Ruby graced our lives for a short 15 days but in that time she brought so many blessings to me, ones I wouldn’t have otherwise. She taught me about prayer, about listening to the impressions in my mind. I learned that the Lord knows me personally; he knew the things I needed to make it through this trial.

“When understanding fails us, faith must fill the void.” This is what I am trying to do. I do not understand why Ruby’s body wasn’t perfect, why she couldn’t stay with us, but I have faith in a higher plan. Elder Wirthlin said: The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

I know this to be true because I have received the answers to my prayers as I have sought understanding.

I pray every day that Ruby knows how much I love her and that I will be able to be with her again.

{Saying goodbye to Ruby, October 26, 2011}

The last couple of days I have been pretty frustrated with my bell’s palsy.

I feel like I am at a stand still with healing.

I have made a lot of progress from the beginning, but I still don’t have a lot of function in my mouth and I’m ready to have my smile back.

I have tried to stay positive about my healing because I thought it was only temporary, but I am now going on 7 months with a long ways to go.

Talking to my Dr. last night left me pretty discouraged.

He told me that there is a really good chance I won’t ever get full function back.

That I will always show signs of having this.

I want to be able to take pictures with my kids and look at them with happy memories instead of erasing it immediately because I can’t stand the way I look.

{Luke and I with Bell’s Palsy, January 8, 2014}

It just doesn’t look like me, but it is me.

Am I ever going to be able to smile again?

{Smiling on my wedding day, November 8, 2008}

I don’t want to lose hope.

So many prayers, fasting and blessings have been offered in my behalf and I am trying to trust in those.

I was talking to my mom yesterday about my frustrations and I asked her a question about prayer.

One that neither of us had the answer to.

That night I was reading my scriptures and this was one that I read:

1 Nephi 7: 12 Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

It was an answer to my question.

I immediately thought about my favorite talk, Come What May and Love it by Elder Wirthlin, the one in which this blog is named after and I turned to this part:

“One of our daughters, after giving birth to a baby, became seriously ill. We prayed for her, administered to her, and supported her as best we could. We hoped she would receive a blessing of healing, but days turned into months, and months turned into years. At one point I told her that this affliction might be something she would have to struggle with the rest of her life.

One morning I remember pulling out a small card and threading it through my typewriter. Among the words that I typed for her were these: “The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”

She did put her trust in God. But her affliction did not disappear. For years she suffered, but in due course, the Lord blessed her, and eventually she returned to health.

Knowing this daughter, I believe that even if she had never found relief, yet she would have trusted in her Heavenly Father and “[left] the rest to Him.”

I’m trying my best to be like this daughter, that even if I never get my face back I will trust in Him.

It’s hard, but I’m trying.

I stumbled across this blog post that hit close to home.

http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

She took the words right out of my mouth.

There are a couple of phrases that I don’t agree with and this is one of them:  God won’t give you more than you can handle.

Wrong.

He can give you more than you can handle and at one point in your life he probably will.

Unfortunately, the fact that suicide exists proves that he does give people more than they (think they) can handle.

HOWEVER, as long as we turn to Him we can get through anything.

ANYTHING.

But we have to trust Him.

And this is one of the things I will be focusing on this year: Trusting the Lord through prayer.

My hope is that my relationship with Him will be stronger and that I will be able to trust that no matter how he answers my prayers, it will be what is best for me.

“Put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”